A selection of some of my favourite music gags (in no particular order of preference).

Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"


A young child says to his mother, "Mummy, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "I'm afraid you can't do both."


Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza pie?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.


Q:What's the difference between a musician and an investment?
A:The investment eventually matures and earns money.


There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.


Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone?
A: Two fretless bass players playing in unison.

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.


Q: What did the drummer say to the singer?
A: Do you want me to count this in too fast or too slow.


Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.


Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then, a distant voice came over the hill, "It's not our usual drummer!"

Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play the section louder

Q:. How do you get a drummer to play an rallentando?
A: You guessed it!

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music shop, walks in, approaches the sales assistant, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The sales assistant looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but we need the radiator".

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?" The man says, "I was a doctor." St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher." "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician." "Go around the side, up the lift, through the kitchen, up another flight of stairs..."


A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."


Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
 A: Put some sheet music in front of him.


Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music.


Q: Know how to make a million dollars playing jazz?
A: Start with two million.


A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God wants his girlfriend to sing."


Q: Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
A: Friend: "I hope so."


Q: What is a burning oboe good for?
A: Setting a bassoon on fire.

Q: What do you call a musician with a pager?
A: An optimist

Q: What's the difference between a dead rabbit in the road and a dead agent in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the rabbit.


In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

Q: What's the range of a banjo?
A: Twenty yards, if you've got a strong arm.

Two rock musicians are walking past a bar... (Well, it could happen!)


Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune sax player, an out-of-tune sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player. The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

Q: How do you know when a violin is out-of-tune?
A: When the bow's moving.